11/19/2003

Do Not Send Your Loved Ones

Do not send our boys over there any images of nude or partially clad women. Iraq is a Muslim country, where nudity or partial cladding is considered immodest. Please respect our hosts!

Do not send any pork or pork-related products. Muslims believe that animals with cloven hooves are unfit for human consumption! Yes that includes Bac-Os!

Beer, whiskey, and other distilled grain beverages are out. Sorry!

Please refrain from sending care packages that include playing cards or dice. Gambling is considered venal!

Do not use curses in your letters. Bastard and ass are not deemed curses, but fuck, shit, damn, and hell will be redacted by the military censors!

Illicit drugs are of course illicit!

Certain movies containing images considered offensive to Islam or nude or partially clad women will be confiscated by the military censors!

Cigarettes: No!

Pro-Israeli material/Zionist propaganda is a tender issue in Arab/Muslim host countries. In order to be sensitive to political feelings, please refrain from sending tee-shirts bearing pro-Israeli slogans or the likenesses of Israeli political figures.

If you send a birthday cake containing a stripper, your stripper may be removed and executed as a prostitute! Birthday cakes containing prostitutes are under no circumstances to be sent!

Do not care enough to send the very best, as flowers wilt quickly in the scorching desert heat and are unlikely to hold up on transport!

For marijuana, see illicit drugs! Yes!

Pirated DVDs represent our best free trade principles! Remember that your loved one is selling a brand and that brand is Freedom!

God cannot be represented in images!